Solitude No More
by Bradamante
Summary: Sequel to 'Three words'. Methos thinks MacLeod is dead and does some thinking about it while he’s at Cassandra’s cage...


SERIES/SEQUEL: sequel to Three Words  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters.  
  
are thoughts  
  
VERY SPECIAL THANKS to Sharon Cross for beta assist me.  
  
  
  
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Solitude.  
  
A self imposed shelter.  
  
In solitude I felt protected. Within the safe fortress of my solitude I read, I learned, I dreamed.  
  
About you.  
  
How would it be to know you? The perfect Inmortal. One who always acted by the rules dictated by honor.  
  
Unreachable.  
  
And I was reaching my limit; I could feel it. My fortress made of solitude was falling apart. I could see the cracks spreading fast across its walls. Something was going to happen. I could feel it. Something that will end with the crumbling of my precious shelter. It's ironic how Inmortals are meant to destroy each other and yet we need Inmortal friendship as well. Someone of our own kind to share with, to talk to, to put our trust into. It was inevitable. Sooner or later the immortal world had to knock at my door again.  
  
And one day it happened. You came to me without my asking and with just a smile you broke my barriers. I felt again something I had forgotten and you were the only one to blame for just having looked at me. My shelter came down in a million pieces over my head. Five thousand years. Someone might think being this age is to be beyond anything. But there is one thing that time will not conquer. Ever.  
  
Love. True love. Unstoppable. As fire spreading through the forest. Comsuming fire through my veins. And when you love truly, you're capable of giving up anything...everything...and I did that, didn't I? I don't believe in fate but is beyond me the way I felt about you. The way I fell for you.  
  
I had reached my limit. Oh, I knew you were coming to my home, Joe called to tell me about it. And my first reaction was to run away as far as possible. I had read your chronicles, I had seen your files, I had not met you but still...I could feel I could trust you. My limit was reached and solitude was now impossible, so I decided to stay and wait. To lose it all.  
  
My heart, my soul, my self preservation instincts were all gone with you. Kalas was looking for me and the news froze my heart. I could not fight him without losing. I wanted to know you better and at that time I thought I was not going to get the chance. I decided my future the instant I almost lost my head to Kalas. The decision, unexpectadly easy, and not so at the same time. Five thousand years to come to this. But this -this was worth it. My life didn't matter; your triumph had to be ensured. So I gave up my life to you and you spared me. And from that moment I was only yours.  
  
But you offered only friendship and I was glad to take what you offered and continue with my life. The Watchers...and then Alexa...but not even then I could ignore you completely. So I came when you needed help, when I almost lost you to a Dark Quickening and I came back when solitude threatened me once again. You didn't let me down. You gave me shelter, gave me trust, gave me friendship and friends. I was alive again and we were getting to know each other. We were getting comfortable with each other and I was loving you more each day, if that was possible. I could feel you were starting to see me... really 'see' me...Methos not Adam.  
  
And then Kronos happened. My past was thrown in my face. A hell I wanted to forget landed in the middle of my fragile paradise, shattering it to pieces, but the worst of it all was that your safety was compromised. I tried to warn you...I wanted to tell you...I really wanted to, but the moment I saw Cassandra again, I believed hell existed on earth. I was shocked. I was scared. I was desperate. A sinking feeling came upon me. I was going to lose you without even having you. I did the one thing that came to my mind. I fled. At least I tried. I tried to go out of your life. Far away from Kronos. Far away from all I knew and had come to love in the past few years. But you couldn't let it go, could you? You had to know, first hand. You had to confirm Cassandra's version. You only wanted to know what she said was true. What about what led me to do all those things? My motives, my side of the story. I saw you get out of your car, with your once friendly eyes turned into a hard stare. I had been on trial and I was condenmed. You were there to voice the verdict.  
  
'We're through.'  
  
My heart was ripped to pieces. Nothing mattered anymore. So I would see that the Horseman were no more. I would see to that or I would die trying.  
  
Only I was not the one who died.  
  
All hope is gone for me now. You're gone, Duncan. I destroyed you. It is my fault, it is all my fault. I should have known. I forgot Kronos' ways and now I will never see you again. I will never hear your voice, never hear you brooding, never see your smile again. I will never know how it could be -to be touched with love by your hands. I will never taste one of your kisses and I will never feel how it is to awake at your side...all that with you is now lost...forever. And forever is a long time.  
  
Oh Cassandra, I'm your jailor again. Things have not changed in thousands of years, only the scenary. We are prisioners. You have no choice in the matter and I envy you for that. At least you can't pretend anything. I, on the other hand, have to wear a mask I thought I had thrown away thousands of years ago. I have to play 'brother' again. Why Kronos, why couldn't you change? Why couldn't you? All these years, decades, centuries, millennia...to come to this...again. I can't stand this anymore. I will not stand it anymore, now that your're gone, my love. Now that the choice to show you how I feel for you has been ripped from me.  
  
And then Kronos came to me in a rage and told me to follow him. I only understood one thing -'MacLeod is alive'. You're alive, you live and I'm following Kronos but I'm not aware of that. The only thing I can think about is that maybe I will see your smile again. No matter if it is not directed at me. How can I stop you Kronos? I don't want you to challenge him or him to challenge you. I don't want to risk you now, Duncan. I thought you were lost to me. I could not stand to lose you a second time.  
  
Then, suddenly, you are there. Standing above us with a face full of fury like an avenging god. Still staring at me with that accusing look on your face that I will recall until the end of my days. You believe the worst of me...and I wonder why I don't deserve your understanding. People change; why can't you believe I'm capable of that too? And now your first thought is that I will take Kronos' side, I can see it on your face. So I wear my finest mask of indifference and I don't care. The only thing that matters is that you can defeat Kronos and I will not betray you. So I will fight Silas and I have to win. I can't give him my quickening, I can't give him such an advantage over you because I'm sure you will kill Kronos, and if I lose you will be at Silas' mercy. I will see to it that doesn't happen.  
  
But being this desperate makes me lose it for a moment. I fall from the stairway and lose my sword and I can almost feel Silas' axe at my neck. My once brother shouts my name in shocking rage and you look at me in shocking disbelief, with wide eyes of surprise. Oh Duncan, how could you think I would betray you?  
  
So I take the advantage again and I keep fighting and you keep fighting and we take Kronos' and Silas' heads at the same time. I could die right here and now, if that were possible.  
  
Kronos' life, Silas' life and your emotions.  
  
...your strong emotions cutting through me...you feel for me...but you think I lied...I didn't lie to you!  
  
...but then you see my life through Kronos' eyes...I don't want you to see that, I don't want you to.  
  
...and you're confused... I didn't lie Duncan, I didn't. You wouldn't understand...I was afraid you wouldn't.  
  
...and Silas' simple mind, his love for simple things, a misguided simple man...he considered me a friend...I killed you...you're brother killed you...  
  
...your emotions wash over me again...overwhelming...you feel for me...you're starting to 'see' me again...I'm not Adam, I'm Methos, I'm Methos... Can't you see? Why can't you see how much I love you?  
  
Is it me who's crying? I didn't know I had tears left to shed. What do I do now? Without a soul and a heart thrown at me in a million pieces... I will do nothing. I will just stay like this, crying my grief forever. This is beyond me. No solitude can cure me now. No self imposed shelter. Nothing will be the same again.  
  
My head hurts so much...this crowd in my head...this...blackness.  
  
  
  
Am I dreaming?  
  
It's raining...it's raining tears over my head...this sadness I can't bear it. I can't see anything. I only feel and it hurts...I want to disappear, I lie down on the ground, shaking...it's so cold...and I cry...I don't want to  
  
...and I feel regret but not mine, not mine...whose?...I'm confused...the rain doesn't stop and I just lie there in a tight ball...I don't want to feel the rain...I want it to stop...  
  
...and I feel, I can only feel...love? But not mine...yours? The rain stops and I can only stare at the ground where I lay, suddenly it's all so clear...  
  
I can see now, I see you walking away from me and I stand up to follow you. Why are you here? Where is here? It's all so confusing...I feel so many emotions at a time: regret, tenderness, sadness, hope, protectiveness, love. Your love, your emotions...your beautiful emotions wash over me making me cry in happiness...it's you I feel but do you feel me too?  
  
...you stop and turn your head to look at me...your love showing in your eyes, your sadness and regret...I can feel it all...we are connected somehow now...and I clearly understand what your eyes are asking me...and I have only one answer to that...  
  
"I love you".  
  
My reward, is waking in the safety of your arms.  
  
  
  
THE END. 


End file.
